Our eyes still sting from crying and once someone told me to tell stories from scars
not
fresh wounds
like this

My son keeps thinking the shoes in the middle of the floor are the cat we just put down 7 hours ago

Although –

I still think I see Theodore
who died 7
weeks
ago
every time I walk into my room and see the cats’ water fountain out of the corner of my eye

Oh. Wait. That’s the
cat’s
water
singular

One cat now
down from 3

This is a fresh wound

The vet said
the last thing to stop is the heart

I found myself repeating that in my brain
over and over
as she put her stethoscope to my
not-even-two-year-old cat’s chest

The last thing to stop is the heart

After she left me there to say goodbye to him
to Clyde
that’s his name, I’d like you to remember him with his name
Clyde
Clyde-o
Pinky Toe
Stinky man

After she left me to say goodbye to Clyde
I repeated it again

The last thing to stop is the heart

And I took out my phone and typed that in my notes

It was it’s own poem

And I know from experience
unfortunately
That writing from fresh wounds helps them scar

The last thing to stop is the heart
before that, his breathing stopped
that was quick
but before that it took him extra shots to settle down
before his hissing stopped
and his growls when I pet him
before that he let me scratch the top of his head and stroke his mitten paws
before that he let me
hold
him

Dying is stopping
I know this

stop
peeing
playing
eating
hissing
growling
breathing
and then
the last thing to stop
is the heart